nwcountryboy

This is a story about my husband Scott. Were are two gay men, who are legally married. Looking at Scott he is very much a handsome and outgoing young man. Together we proudly parent our two adoptive son’s Logan 10, and Greggory 12.

After having his breasts removed in 2005, when he was only fifteen years old. And now being able to grow a beard and male body hair through hormone replacement therapy of testosterone for five years. Scott is now five and a half months pregnant.
Although he may not be the first, Scott is very much a pregnant man. Scott, now 20 still has his female reproductive organs. Because of this and after several of his childhood years struggling with his sexual identity and fighting to live as a man, he did what many might think is impossible including our family doctor. He became pregnant with his first biological child early June of this year.


As a teen Scott says he never thought he would ever have children. But after parenting our adopted children, our desire to have another child brought us to a cross roads they knew would forever change their lives. But Scott and I thought that it just made perfect sence for him to carry our child, this being an experience now gay couple can truely say they had.

We both are thrilled to be able to enjoy this experience together as a gay male couple. However we continue to struggle with finding accepting health care. Even when we went to the emergency room they made me take another pregnancy test, says Scott. People often look at us like we are crazy when we tell them Scott’s pregnant. Instead of offering us helpful advice about pregnancy like they would a women. They gave us information on local abortion services! The battle continues for our family to the point we sought out mid wife services. It just got to the point where we were afraid we would not be able to find any natal care at all. So as a last ditch effort started calling midwives. Luckily we came Across the Art of Birth and Wellness Center, and our now current midwife Kammy. Every time we would call a doctor they would be setting us up an appointment and would ask the reason for the appointment. Of course we told them I was pregnant, and suddenly they would no longer be taking new patients.
That fact is Scott is not the first pregnant man and he certainly won’t be the last. As our society grows and changes, gender norms are going to be challenged. This is one of those situations where if people don’t come out and talk about this experience. That transgendered men are having children and that they and these babies need quality health care. It leaves a open door for discrimination and violence against them.

We are now counting down to our new addition, which is due March 10, 2010

A recent photo of me.



My Husband Now Very Much Pregnant



Ultra Sound Of My Son

I think its funny that I am counting down so much shit these days.

1. 17 weeks 119 days until Scotty's due date....wow.

2. 36 days until we excape hell and head for home.

Honestly today has already been a fantastic day for me. I got up went for a twenty minute bike ride, which I was happy with really ten more minutes than yesterday. Then I came home finished the book "Club Dead" I only had like five chapters left and I was set on finishing it today. So now I am on to book four of the Sookie Stackhouse series. Three books in 3 weeks. This is not bad for me either... since I love the Twillight series so much but it took me months to do them all in. Then Scotty and I went to see New Moon. I felt it was much better than the first movie. Really well done, even though once again they cut a whole bunch of ellements that I felt were important. But allas this is the big problem with reading the book first right? So we then went and got Logan and are waiting for Gregg to get home. This week end they do their own laundry! Thank god I am over the laundry game with them. So for the rest of my day I have some house keeping to do, dinner to cook and a new book to crack into. Hopefully Scotty and I will go on another hour and a half walk tonight. But thats about it, well besides missing our friends and hating it here which I am sure you have heard enough about that...so enough said.

It's clearly going to be another one of those nights.

I should be sound asleep... long walk in the morning, afternoon and a exspecially long walk in the evening. It was so cold that I simply had no choice but to wrap up in my pea coat. Scotty and I talked a long while about our return trip home, the fact that we had clearly acclimated to the weather here and that yes this generally always warm and cozy bear was in fact freezing ass cold.

Scotty and I walked down past where his Dad lives, up the next few blocks to the park were we walk in the afternoon, once we've picked Logan up from school. We laid on the only grass weve seen or touched in months and starred up at the stars as we talked about the usual things... the kids, the dogs, his mom, our trip home and most importantly the birth of our son. We often lose track of the time and just how fast this pregnancy is going. He's already working on his 23rd week just 120 more days until the due date. But it was nice to talk, you know with out the kids up our asses.

Still raving to get the hell out of here. Scotty needs the peace he found in Weed. 38 more days until we are homeward bound. A lot of things are still up in the air for me like my issues with Ayden and her choice to commit suicide. Talking to my father about my pregnant husband... yeah thats going slowly to say the least...

I will write again soon....need sleep must ride my bike in the morning.

This house makes me cry too much

It's seven in the morning and I am crying...again. I look at that door and I cry, I go in the kitchen and I cry....things just feel pretty hopeless. We have to leave... when I think about leaving my house and my life and it's just devistating. Some people think we are running. Hell maybe we are but would you really continue living in a house where someone you loved like I love Ayden killed themselves so violently? Would you make your children relive those last moments over and over and over again?

Scotts parents are forking over the money to get us out of here moving team included. I know the change will be good. Poor Scott is so stressed out because of Michelle someone that I really considered my friend. CPS says I can't every let her live with me again. It was just like with Ayden....it just makes me so sad. I still miss her yet I see clearly the flashing warning signs.

Chris and Bobby are coming over to look at the house tomorrow morning. Hopefully by then it will be rented and I will know that the right people will be watching and loving this house as much as we do. If only Ayden hadn't done what she did here. Things would be so different now....I have to stop pondering the what if's of life. ut that is very difficult for me.

Logan seems so happy to moving out of this god foresaken place...gregg is not even remotely. But I need a good job and that is not going to happen here. The kids need a fresh start so badly. Scotts family will be close enough to be supportive of us and the kids. More importantly warmer winters will be better for Pinkerton and his arthritis.

Yet....with all the good that will come from leaving....the stressers of ex room mates gone wild not living next door....the thoughts of leaving my home...the place where I grew up....my nest...it still leaves me heavy hearted.

Spent the evening out and the MaCcarriers with Scott. Good times had there, but Scott started feeling like shit so we took off. Got me some dinner and then Michelle and I ran to the store for peanut butter ice cream. Scott's been snacking on it off and on. It's funny that I am so ready to get the fuck out of this good foresaken town. Yet it makes me sad when I think about leaving my family home for good. God what is wrong with me? The is best part was getting my laptop reloaded and getting complete copy of CS3 which I had and lost thanks to Michelle's fucking boyfriend last summer. Morgan is the best geek friend a guy can get. Scott and Kay seemed to really hit it off too. Which is so awsome.

I haven't been online much posting. Mostly cause I had to witness Ayden's cremation. I thought for sure that being there and witnesing would equal closure for me. Nope...instead it made me hurt worse. It was very sad actually and I left right after pushing the button. It was a long walk back to the car. Much longer than the walk out to the crematory.

The whole next couple of days have been awful and depressing. I feel as though no matter what I do. Shit is just going to keep getting worse.

My Life Is In Shambles

Current mood: depressed

So were thinking that we will sell the house. It's needed to pay the bills created from this mess. No one is going to save us, or even help. It's on me to take care of all of this. But how, I am emotionally shot. We need to set up a donation fund. But every time I get the balls to get up and deal with life. I find another part of Ayden stuck to something. All that money and they didn't even get all of her.....not even close.

I am the new kid on the block NO ONE wants to be on. I lost my friend, partner and mother of my two boys to suicide a few days ago. It happened in our home on Wednesday July 29 on that day, my world collapsed. This was a long day, and the end to a very long three years.

This week has been an unreal amount of emotion for me as there were times I was on auto pilot and in shock, there were times when I would think of or hear something and just start bawling. Chris and her family, and Tiffany and her's are amazing they have been very helpful this week as I am dealing with the after effects of a suicide in your home and what can happen during grief and loss.

A lot of times I hear or read people say, especially to a guy that suffers a loss "stay strong" almost like sadness is not allowed for a man. If I can feel love, then I sure the fuck can feel sadness and pain and cry like I was two again.

I hope any man who is in my position will be allowed to feel because we do!

I dread the forthcoming days as my emotions continue to take over my life. The anniversary of the loss of my Mother was Febuary 25, 2007. Needless to say, the past few years has been extremely difficult, losing the two most important people in my life within such a short time of each other. Nothing makes any sense anymore, as hard as I try.

I've cried more this past two years than I've cried my entire life.

When you lose a partner or spouse, how do you cope with feeling alone? What do you do to make your alone time better?

This used to be our home... it's all gone now. I want to leave this house and never come back. How can this place ever be home for us now that she has done this here. I feel so dead, still trying to get it all done. Yet, some how lifeless...desperate to be free of the emotions that haunt me like an unwanted spirit. There are no words to communicate my grief and feelings of loss. Why should I even try to write?

We stayed the night at motel 6. Thank you Chris and Billy so much. I didn't sleep much...not really. I am home now trying to find the motivation to move on. The kids are with Tiffany, she is my personal hero right now. There's a spot in the kitchen that smells just like it did when I opened the door. I've got insence burning as we speak. The image I saw, brain matter and blood still floating in the air is burned into my eyes. The way my heart broke as I saw her lifeless, headless body. I am sick and over all lost right now. I am moving only because my children need me. I owe thousands of dollars for the clean up team that came in and will be back today. I hurt when I look at my sons. My poor Logan, his 10th birthday just 3 days away. Sigh I will write more later.

Ayden commited suicide today in our home. Gun shot....huge mess... I am drowning in emotion.

Well this morning Scott took a pregnacy test pretty much for shits and giggles. Knowing full well it should be too soon to find out if he is or not. Well we are sitting there and I am like "oh well I think we took it too soon." I then started to prepare to console Scott, when poof...POSITIVE! "What.... no way!" But yep it's positive!

It's weird you try for something so long and then when it happens your just in shock. I think I am still in shock....we are going to retest in the morning and if it's still positive which well I am pretty sure it will be then it's time to pick an OB and get things cracking around here for a nursery and what not.

I mean I was really starting to suspect that he was knocked up about 4 or 5 days ago. Mostly cause his body was changing and he was getting a lot more moody and shit. But I guess I didn't want to get his hopes up or mine.

It's weird because weve been having some problems and have almost split up a handful of times but now....well were together until at least 2017, which in other words is FOREVER! Ember has already threatened to go get an appartment. I am not sure if he really wants to live with 5 plus kids or not and I would understand if that's what he really needs to do. But at the same time I would be very sad if he moved out.

I am pretty sure when Michelle finds out i's going to be bad. I hate living with people that are going to be upset and weird about what should be good news. We are all walking around on egg shells trying to determine when and how to bring it up. I mean I hope I get a chance to talk to her befor she reads this.

But she's upstairs, and pissed off at me for telling her she will not ruin my camping trip with her being sick. I guess that is rude but our whole summer has been fucked up thanks to the custody issues with Robert and Morgan. Our whole family put theirs lives on hold so that her kids could be living in the same house with her. Even if the whole thing is on me and allowing her to be here no matter what.

I love Michelle and want her to be ultimately happy. But I just feel like her relationship with Chris reigns supriem over her relationship with Robert and Morgan.

The main reason why I am annoyed is because either A - She's too sick to go and we take Robert and Morgan anyway. And we come home to a fucking pig stye. She tends to not remaine focused on caring for the house, yard and kids when there isn't someone on constant gaurd with her. B - We leave Robert and Morgan home with her. In which that would 1. be fucked up to do to the kids. 2. Most likely CPS would show up and take them do the house and kids not being cared for. C - She goes with us and is a total cunt rag because she's sick and having her period and ruins the whole damn thing. I just don't have a lot of faith in her not causing shit. But we will be doing our thing and the kids WILL be going camping no matter what. I just don't know where things are going with Michelle at this point.

I mean it's almost 1pm and the kids still haven't been able to say good morning to her. I feel really bad because like I said I care very much for Michelle but am concerned about the way she is behaving.

But enough enough about that I should be happy I am going to be a father again.

Wow...so I can't believe it that I have stuck to it this long. Food is not a insufferable thing for me anymore. I just keep on trucking, according to my wii fit I lost another 2.4 lbs yesterday. For a grand total of 16.3 lbs in 9 days with an average weight loss of 1.81 lbs per day.

Tonight should be interesting what with the carnevalle here and having to be in charge of four screaming kids is going to be fun fun fun. But it's one of the last few things that I need to do before we split for camping. Looks like we be picking up Miranda on Tuesday afternoon and then it's at least one week of good times in the out doors.

Okay I know I haven't posted in a few days. But believe it or not I am really feeling great. In eight days I have lost 13.9 lbs. I admit I am a little bummed because I only lost .7 lbs yesterday. But then I refocus on the fact that daily there is a drop in my weight. Which I am so grateful for. Besides with a weight loss of 13.2 lbs for one week how can I complain. Besides I know where I went wrong yesterday and I wont make that mistake again.

I feel like I can do anything at this point. Still missing real food yet happy that every single day this guy weighs a little less. Today I am going to focus on flushing my body hard core and concentrating on taking care of my body. Which should help with the amount of weight I lose today. I also want to focus on doing some paper journal work and working in my sketch pad too.

We've really been using the wii fit a lot through this. I like it because it's entertaining and I am not focused on eating which you don't really think much about about how much you focus on eating until you stop eating solids! I haven't been watching half as much t.v but I think that is because everything is littered with fast food commercials which sadly are my ultimate down fall. Having a DVR helps but still difficult to constantly programmed by the media.

I just have to keep focusing on losing the hundred lbs I have been trying to lose for years. With just little over a week down I only have 86.1 lbs left to go. Which at my current weight loss levels is just slightly over six weeks of this left to go although I plan on doing the full twelve weeks.

A lot is happening for us today and we are all a little bit on edge. My adoptive children move in today. As this is finally a done deal, the boys seem okay with it. Ayden from this point on Ember and I are nervous as hell. Four kids...yikes! Michelle is struggling with her frustration over the lack of weight she has lost. Although she is only doing it for me, you can tell it still bothers her.

Alright no sleep again...bed wetting training with the littlest son Robert. Of course I am not one of the fortunate souls that can wake up out of a deep sleep, so up up up I have been two days running. Apparently the foster home the children were in prior to us felt that they did not need to do any bladder training. Instead they would slap him in pull ups and leave it at that. Last night was Robert's first night of now pull ups and I think him and I managed well. Every two hours 10, 12,2,4 and 6 I woke Robert, and helped him down, we'd walk to the bathroom, he'd urinate, put the seat down, wash his hands, and then we would walk back to his room where I would tuck him in. Our last pit stop Robert said something that made me want to cry. After tucking him in he sat up and hugged me with his little arms....well this of course makes me feel like a giant. Then the words that made being up all night worth it, "I love you Daddy." So yeah I am still up for the second day and no special thanks to any special keep my ass moving stuff.

I think that part of it is this fucking diet....GOWD now deeply enjoying day four of my liquid diet. My energy seems to be continuing to improve even with the lack of sleepage. My crazy thoughts of sneak attack on the ravilolli has departed and now I find myself struggling to consume my thousand calories a day. Yesterday I came in at 651 which was a struggle to consume that many liquid calories. Here it is close to 11 am and I have only taken in 135 calories.

The diet seems to work well with me being that I have sever OCD and much like the Atkins. Counting is one of my favorites. Ironic since I hate math so much.

I guess I should be talking about why I started this crazy diet to begin with I am fed up with being fat. Doing this I have already admitted that I am a food addict. So many times I say "I used to eat eight times this" which is generally followed up with "and I wonder why I am fat!"

Well I am definitely productive today, got the hall cabinets hung, plus the house is in good order. The smells of food I can't eat permeating the house... Groan. Yeah I know the kids gotta eat. I am much less hungry today it's four thirty and I am trying to manage to get down the rest of my lunch. For a total consumption of 280 calories for this whole day. I had my appointment with social security today I think that went well. I guess we shall see on where that goes keep your fingers crossed on that one.

Back to my diet I feel good, less preoccupied with food, eating and other such rutines. I may just survive this after all...go me.

Here's a pick of me feeling good, even if I am sun burned.