nwcountryboy

This house makes me cry too much

It's seven in the morning and I am crying...again. I look at that door and I cry, I go in the kitchen and I cry....things just feel pretty hopeless. We have to leave... when I think about leaving my house and my life and it's just devistating. Some people think we are running. Hell maybe we are but would you really continue living in a house where someone you loved like I love Ayden killed themselves so violently? Would you make your children relive those last moments over and over and over again?

Scotts parents are forking over the money to get us out of here moving team included. I know the change will be good. Poor Scott is so stressed out because of Michelle someone that I really considered my friend. CPS says I can't every let her live with me again. It was just like with Ayden....it just makes me so sad. I still miss her yet I see clearly the flashing warning signs.

Chris and Bobby are coming over to look at the house tomorrow morning. Hopefully by then it will be rented and I will know that the right people will be watching and loving this house as much as we do. If only Ayden hadn't done what she did here. Things would be so different now....I have to stop pondering the what if's of life. ut that is very difficult for me.

Logan seems so happy to moving out of this god foresaken place...gregg is not even remotely. But I need a good job and that is not going to happen here. The kids need a fresh start so badly. Scotts family will be close enough to be supportive of us and the kids. More importantly warmer winters will be better for Pinkerton and his arthritis.

Yet....with all the good that will come from leaving....the stressers of ex room mates gone wild not living next door....the thoughts of leaving my home...the place where I grew up....my nest...it still leaves me heavy hearted.

Spent the evening out and the MaCcarriers with Scott. Good times had there, but Scott started feeling like shit so we took off. Got me some dinner and then Michelle and I ran to the store for peanut butter ice cream. Scott's been snacking on it off and on. It's funny that I am so ready to get the fuck out of this good foresaken town. Yet it makes me sad when I think about leaving my family home for good. God what is wrong with me? The is best part was getting my laptop reloaded and getting complete copy of CS3 which I had and lost thanks to Michelle's fucking boyfriend last summer. Morgan is the best geek friend a guy can get. Scott and Kay seemed to really hit it off too. Which is so awsome.

I haven't been online much posting. Mostly cause I had to witness Ayden's cremation. I thought for sure that being there and witnesing would equal closure for me. Nope...instead it made me hurt worse. It was very sad actually and I left right after pushing the button. It was a long walk back to the car. Much longer than the walk out to the crematory.

The whole next couple of days have been awful and depressing. I feel as though no matter what I do. Shit is just going to keep getting worse.

My Life Is In Shambles

Current mood: depressed

So were thinking that we will sell the house. It's needed to pay the bills created from this mess. No one is going to save us, or even help. It's on me to take care of all of this. But how, I am emotionally shot. We need to set up a donation fund. But every time I get the balls to get up and deal with life. I find another part of Ayden stuck to something. All that money and they didn't even get all of her.....not even close.

I am the new kid on the block NO ONE wants to be on. I lost my friend, partner and mother of my two boys to suicide a few days ago. It happened in our home on Wednesday July 29 on that day, my world collapsed. This was a long day, and the end to a very long three years.

This week has been an unreal amount of emotion for me as there were times I was on auto pilot and in shock, there were times when I would think of or hear something and just start bawling. Chris and her family, and Tiffany and her's are amazing they have been very helpful this week as I am dealing with the after effects of a suicide in your home and what can happen during grief and loss.

A lot of times I hear or read people say, especially to a guy that suffers a loss "stay strong" almost like sadness is not allowed for a man. If I can feel love, then I sure the fuck can feel sadness and pain and cry like I was two again.

I hope any man who is in my position will be allowed to feel because we do!

I dread the forthcoming days as my emotions continue to take over my life. The anniversary of the loss of my Mother was Febuary 25, 2007. Needless to say, the past few years has been extremely difficult, losing the two most important people in my life within such a short time of each other. Nothing makes any sense anymore, as hard as I try.

I've cried more this past two years than I've cried my entire life.

When you lose a partner or spouse, how do you cope with feeling alone? What do you do to make your alone time better?

This used to be our home... it's all gone now. I want to leave this house and never come back. How can this place ever be home for us now that she has done this here. I feel so dead, still trying to get it all done. Yet, some how lifeless...desperate to be free of the emotions that haunt me like an unwanted spirit. There are no words to communicate my grief and feelings of loss. Why should I even try to write?

We stayed the night at motel 6. Thank you Chris and Billy so much. I didn't sleep much...not really. I am home now trying to find the motivation to move on. The kids are with Tiffany, she is my personal hero right now. There's a spot in the kitchen that smells just like it did when I opened the door. I've got insence burning as we speak. The image I saw, brain matter and blood still floating in the air is burned into my eyes. The way my heart broke as I saw her lifeless, headless body. I am sick and over all lost right now. I am moving only because my children need me. I owe thousands of dollars for the clean up team that came in and will be back today. I hurt when I look at my sons. My poor Logan, his 10th birthday just 3 days away. Sigh I will write more later.

Ayden commited suicide today in our home. Gun shot....huge mess... I am drowning in emotion.

Well this morning Scott took a pregnacy test pretty much for shits and giggles. Knowing full well it should be too soon to find out if he is or not. Well we are sitting there and I am like "oh well I think we took it too soon." I then started to prepare to console Scott, when poof...POSITIVE! "What.... no way!" But yep it's positive!

It's weird you try for something so long and then when it happens your just in shock. I think I am still in shock....we are going to retest in the morning and if it's still positive which well I am pretty sure it will be then it's time to pick an OB and get things cracking around here for a nursery and what not.

I mean I was really starting to suspect that he was knocked up about 4 or 5 days ago. Mostly cause his body was changing and he was getting a lot more moody and shit. But I guess I didn't want to get his hopes up or mine.

It's weird because weve been having some problems and have almost split up a handful of times but now....well were together until at least 2017, which in other words is FOREVER! Ember has already threatened to go get an appartment. I am not sure if he really wants to live with 5 plus kids or not and I would understand if that's what he really needs to do. But at the same time I would be very sad if he moved out.

I am pretty sure when Michelle finds out i's going to be bad. I hate living with people that are going to be upset and weird about what should be good news. We are all walking around on egg shells trying to determine when and how to bring it up. I mean I hope I get a chance to talk to her befor she reads this.

But she's upstairs, and pissed off at me for telling her she will not ruin my camping trip with her being sick. I guess that is rude but our whole summer has been fucked up thanks to the custody issues with Robert and Morgan. Our whole family put theirs lives on hold so that her kids could be living in the same house with her. Even if the whole thing is on me and allowing her to be here no matter what.

I love Michelle and want her to be ultimately happy. But I just feel like her relationship with Chris reigns supriem over her relationship with Robert and Morgan.

The main reason why I am annoyed is because either A - She's too sick to go and we take Robert and Morgan anyway. And we come home to a fucking pig stye. She tends to not remaine focused on caring for the house, yard and kids when there isn't someone on constant gaurd with her. B - We leave Robert and Morgan home with her. In which that would 1. be fucked up to do to the kids. 2. Most likely CPS would show up and take them do the house and kids not being cared for. C - She goes with us and is a total cunt rag because she's sick and having her period and ruins the whole damn thing. I just don't have a lot of faith in her not causing shit. But we will be doing our thing and the kids WILL be going camping no matter what. I just don't know where things are going with Michelle at this point.

I mean it's almost 1pm and the kids still haven't been able to say good morning to her. I feel really bad because like I said I care very much for Michelle but am concerned about the way she is behaving.

But enough enough about that I should be happy I am going to be a father again.

Wow...so I can't believe it that I have stuck to it this long. Food is not a insufferable thing for me anymore. I just keep on trucking, according to my wii fit I lost another 2.4 lbs yesterday. For a grand total of 16.3 lbs in 9 days with an average weight loss of 1.81 lbs per day.

Tonight should be interesting what with the carnevalle here and having to be in charge of four screaming kids is going to be fun fun fun. But it's one of the last few things that I need to do before we split for camping. Looks like we be picking up Miranda on Tuesday afternoon and then it's at least one week of good times in the out doors.

Okay I know I haven't posted in a few days. But believe it or not I am really feeling great. In eight days I have lost 13.9 lbs. I admit I am a little bummed because I only lost .7 lbs yesterday. But then I refocus on the fact that daily there is a drop in my weight. Which I am so grateful for. Besides with a weight loss of 13.2 lbs for one week how can I complain. Besides I know where I went wrong yesterday and I wont make that mistake again.

I feel like I can do anything at this point. Still missing real food yet happy that every single day this guy weighs a little less. Today I am going to focus on flushing my body hard core and concentrating on taking care of my body. Which should help with the amount of weight I lose today. I also want to focus on doing some paper journal work and working in my sketch pad too.

We've really been using the wii fit a lot through this. I like it because it's entertaining and I am not focused on eating which you don't really think much about about how much you focus on eating until you stop eating solids! I haven't been watching half as much t.v but I think that is because everything is littered with fast food commercials which sadly are my ultimate down fall. Having a DVR helps but still difficult to constantly programmed by the media.

I just have to keep focusing on losing the hundred lbs I have been trying to lose for years. With just little over a week down I only have 86.1 lbs left to go. Which at my current weight loss levels is just slightly over six weeks of this left to go although I plan on doing the full twelve weeks.

A lot is happening for us today and we are all a little bit on edge. My adoptive children move in today. As this is finally a done deal, the boys seem okay with it. Ayden from this point on Ember and I are nervous as hell. Four kids...yikes! Michelle is struggling with her frustration over the lack of weight she has lost. Although she is only doing it for me, you can tell it still bothers her.

Alright no sleep again...bed wetting training with the littlest son Robert. Of course I am not one of the fortunate souls that can wake up out of a deep sleep, so up up up I have been two days running. Apparently the foster home the children were in prior to us felt that they did not need to do any bladder training. Instead they would slap him in pull ups and leave it at that. Last night was Robert's first night of now pull ups and I think him and I managed well. Every two hours 10, 12,2,4 and 6 I woke Robert, and helped him down, we'd walk to the bathroom, he'd urinate, put the seat down, wash his hands, and then we would walk back to his room where I would tuck him in. Our last pit stop Robert said something that made me want to cry. After tucking him in he sat up and hugged me with his little arms....well this of course makes me feel like a giant. Then the words that made being up all night worth it, "I love you Daddy." So yeah I am still up for the second day and no special thanks to any special keep my ass moving stuff.

I think that part of it is this fucking diet....GOWD now deeply enjoying day four of my liquid diet. My energy seems to be continuing to improve even with the lack of sleepage. My crazy thoughts of sneak attack on the ravilolli has departed and now I find myself struggling to consume my thousand calories a day. Yesterday I came in at 651 which was a struggle to consume that many liquid calories. Here it is close to 11 am and I have only taken in 135 calories.

The diet seems to work well with me being that I have sever OCD and much like the Atkins. Counting is one of my favorites. Ironic since I hate math so much.

I guess I should be talking about why I started this crazy diet to begin with I am fed up with being fat. Doing this I have already admitted that I am a food addict. So many times I say "I used to eat eight times this" which is generally followed up with "and I wonder why I am fat!"

Well I am definitely productive today, got the hall cabinets hung, plus the house is in good order. The smells of food I can't eat permeating the house... Groan. Yeah I know the kids gotta eat. I am much less hungry today it's four thirty and I am trying to manage to get down the rest of my lunch. For a total consumption of 280 calories for this whole day. I had my appointment with social security today I think that went well. I guess we shall see on where that goes keep your fingers crossed on that one.

Back to my diet I feel good, less preoccupied with food, eating and other such rutines. I may just survive this after all...go me.

Here's a pick of me feeling good, even if I am sun burned.

So yesterday was BAD! I admit it I am fat because I like food. I found myself plotting to cheat, good news I didn't. Every adult in the house is doing it with me. However Scott apparently went up stairs and ate a whole bag of Cheese puffs. Since I found out I have been calling him Chester or Cheato...lol. I can't help it.

I managed my sanity with a long soak in the pool, even got some reading done on breaking dawn. At the end of my day I enjoying a nice walk and time for another dip before heading off to bed. I crashed earlier than usual for me. I am not sure if that's a good thing or what.

I have gained a lot of insight on Scott and I this last twenty four hours which came spewing out of me at him first things this morning. I had woken up very nicely by snuggles and kisses from Ayden. Got up hit the shower I am still 2 weeks out on my sex restriction from surgery so of course a shower was first in line. The shower was good though and I was getting dressed and did the morning wake up call for the upstairs residents. Our conversation sadly turned almost immediately this morning with his announcement of not being ready to do anything when I said he should get a shower and get his day started. It was ten in the morning and thought that would have been an acceptable time for him to get moving. That's when I told him that I wasn't going to be coming down on him anymore because I knew he wasn't ready to quit smoking, that he wasn't ready to change his diet, that he wasn't ready to change anything about himself. I truely feel like he would rather complain about being over weight, or whats not done, or anything than do anything about it. I then announced to Scott that I was ready to change, and that I was going to change and that I was seriously going to evaluate our relationship because when he was still sitting at the starting gate I was going to be enjoying the finish line. That at the end we were never going to be the same. He didn't say anything and went up stairs to avoid reality as usual.

So change is already started in me. I feel proud that I consumed only 800 calories yesterday. That I didn't cheat and that I am on my way towards a better healthier life with or without him.

Funny of the day check out this link http://www.uphaa.com/blog/index.php/funny-shaped-fruit/

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Very High
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html

Yeah okay so here's where it's at for me. Today I started a 1000 calorie diet, things are going to be hard for me. At least for the next couple of weeks. This is all about will power and the desire to destroy the one thing holding me back in life. So wish me luck folks I will probably be posting a lot to help process my feelings and emotions around this whole thing.

A Picture of Me Today

So yeah.... Everyone knows that I have been busting my ass on my house. Home owning is nice but requires hard work. Well with all the building and what not it was no surprize when my Doctor said I had a hurnia. She was certain it would heal if I rested, which time at the lake with the kids was not the kind of resting that she was talking about. Wednesday night I ended up in ER, I was sure they would push another pain pill on me, tell me to lose some weight and to go home. WRONG....we wern't even there 30 minutes and they had called in the surgeon. 11PM I was rolled into surgery, two hours later I was waking up to Ayden and Scott in recovery. I spent the night there and was released the next evening. It's been a painful experience and I don't know what I would have done these last few days with my family. Ayden is finally resting after being up for days and days taking care of me. Scott's on night watch of course now I can't sleep because I have been sleeping for days.

Some good news I would like to introduce my early birthday present from Ayden. A beautiful female pure bred golden lab who we've named "Lady Bird" after my grand father's lab that he had when I was very young.

Here's Lady Sleeping With Her Baby Armadillo


Pinkerton and Lady Bird Hogging Up My Bed - I see the need for a bigger bed in my life


Lady's Face


A Pic From Camping

I really need to get back to posting every day. I have a lot of good things happening in my life. I should be totally happy and bussing about it. But I have been so busy that it's helped to make me sick. Which has left me little to no time to actually post.

The house is really comming along these days. Maybe the break in was just the thing we needed to get our asses in gear. Since Scott left weve texted the back bedroom and painted it. Got rid of the kids tv room and walled off some space in there. It actually came out to two small rooms. Textured those and are painting them tonight. Painted the bathroom, got a new toilet seat thank god! Put in a new ceiling fan light in the living room and a new light in what I am starting to call the hallway. We've caught up on all the laundry, cleaned up the laundry room and are nearly ready for Robert and Morgan. Not to mention new dishes, silverware and pots and pans. We got a new sink and facet for the kitchen so we are pretty close to getting rocking on the kitchen remodel. We got some new carpet today for the back bedroom and some carpet padding too. Plus tomorrow night we should be starting another wall in the kitchen...good times.

We got a new tv since they stole our big screen. It's the same size plus it's paid for without any extended payments. We even got a dvd burner to connect to our dvr. Which I finally set up tonight. Tomorrow we get our visit from mister directv to install our new HD DVR upgrade and move the old dvr to the back bedroom and the kids tv room reciever to Michelles room. This makes me happy because my baseball obsession wont hurt everyone veiwing. Plus I will be finishing the big payments on the house taxes, we are caught up. Again a big thank you god. We will be making monthly payments for now on. Sure we still owe 3760.56 from my moms back taxes but at least we are finally making a dent. I plan to make 315 dollar payments each month which in 12 months we will be paid off! Cell phones are paid, cars paid, dtv is paid, city is paid, we got our payment plan back with pacific power so yeah things are going really good on the finace level. So well I will be getting a new gps, dvd car sterio for the focus yeah yeah.....so excited about that.

Ayden and I are still getting along good. We went out to lunch today and had good coversation about so many things. Then we went furniture shopping just to see what some of our local stores have. Nothing excited us. Although I found a camo couch set...of course Ayden said no. Oh well...lol. I'm so glad she's around to help keep me motivated and on my toes.

Scotts finally managed to get the money to head home sometime next month. I am really excited to see him and his new burn/tan. We have talked about a lot of the things that left me stressed out and feeling over whelmed and I really believe he can respect my personal boundries around that and Ayden. An added bonus is it looks like his mom is going to be moving out here to the Siskiyou county area which means he will have her love and support near by. He knows I expect him to find a job and that school will be his priority. So I am really happy that we were able to communicate that.

Pinkerton went to get his hair cut and bath. Of course he came straight home and rolled in the dirt. Fucking shit head! The puppy's are growing soooo fast these days. They are eatting rice ceral now. Jazzy has that "I am so done with you" look when ever they are around. I did finally get them out of my closet...I just couldn't take it anymore.

Michelle has been my project buddy the last couple of weeks. It's been fun working with her and getting getting things done together. Things are still going good with the reunification with her and her kids. Although they still haven't set up her home visits, but the judge ordered them so if they don't fallow through it will be herry Carrie on court day.

Other than that we attended Devon and Alexs big birthday party. I think we really made Devons day with the PSP. I also got to attend Tiffanys ground breaking for her new house thats being built. I have that on video and need to get it uploaded so everyone can hear how amazing Tiffany's speach was. Mostly because she reminded me how important this street is to all of us. I mean we grew up here on this very street. I mean Tiffany and her sister taught me how to ride my bike with a little red boys bike that had no seat. We had microwave pizza parties in my attack. Where our shampane was cool aide. These were the strees that we road down on our bikes singing "crewella deville" when we knew my grandma was driving around. She has family that live on this street and now I am back with my family and we support each other like our parents never could. I am so grateful to live here and to have Tiffany and her family in our lives. Because of this I look forward to voluntering many many many hours helping to build their home.

Alright well I better get this thing posted and finish up with the house I have a bunch of things to get done before I can hit the sack.